


Sometimes We Say Goodbye

by ohheykat



Category: The Prom - Sklar/Beguelin/Martin
Genre: F/F, tw:car accident
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-11
Updated: 2019-06-11
Packaged: 2020-04-24 10:32:50
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,958
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19171489
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ohheykat/pseuds/ohheykat
Summary: When Emma and Alyssa get into a fight over colleges, things go south quickly. Emma takes a drive to clear her head, but when she returns nothing will ever be the same.





	Sometimes We Say Goodbye

“You don’t fucking understand,” Emma had turned her back on her in her darkest moment, literally. Both girls were crying as they spoke, the rain crashing around them sounding like an army marching in to stop them. Stop them from whatever this was. “NYU is my dream school, Alyssa. Why can’t you be happy for me?”

“I am happy for you!” No she wasn’t. The idea of Emma, her Emma, being nearly 3000 miles away from her was enough to make her want to vomit. She was losing her just like she lost everyone else in her life. Staying with her wasn’t enough for her father, and now it wasn’t enough for Emma. It was only a matter of time before she abandoned her completely. “I just thought we had a plan at Stanford!”

“ _You_ had a plan at Stanford,” she says coldly. “You had a plan for everything, didn’t you? God forbid I go against one of Alyssa Greene’s perfect plans! Life isn’t some fucking play Alyssa, where everything works out in the end! I had to learn it and so do you! Sometimes things don’t follow your fucking script.”

Alyssa wanted to scream that she knew that. She wanted to run into her arms and hug her and not let go. She wanted to kiss her and let this fight die, let it wash away with the rain. They had never fought so harshly, never like this. Not even when they broke up when Alyssa wouldn’t come out. She didn’t know what to do, she didn’t know what to say.

So she didn’t say anything. She got into her car and drove away, losing herself in the sound of the rain pattering on her windshield. Emma left too, driving her car in the opposite direction. Not wanting to go home, she just continued to drive, taking a turn every now and then until she was at the edge of the county. _I could keep going, no one would miss me._

An hour later she found herself nearly at the state line, and she got out of her car, standing in the rain, begging it to wash away the pit in her stomach. Had she really said those things to Alyssa? No, this was Alyssa’s fault. She had gotten into her dream school, and her girlfriend wasn’t even happy for her! Growing angrier with each thought, Emma punches her seat, splattering water everywhere. She’s soaked now, hair and clothes dripping and drenching her car’s interior as she sits back down. 

Nearly halfway back home, Emma stops at a diner in a small town she’s never heard of before. She ignores another call from Betsy as she sits down at a table, shivering from the air conditioner blowing on her still soaked body. Ordering some hash browns and a coke, she decides to think about everything that had led up to this moment in time. 

The letter had come two weeks earlier, in a pristine white envelope that was too big to not be an acceptance packet. Emma had cried when she opened it, hugging Betsy as she thought about going to he dream school and getting out of the little town of Edgewater. She had been overjoyed, but then reality had hit her: she would have to tell Alyssa. 

She had put it off until the very last moment. She hadn’t taken it well, but did Emma really expect her to? Her eyes had welled up with tears and she had made a choking noise that had shattered the blond’s heart into a million pieces. “I’m proud of you,” Alyssa had whispered, but she wouldn’t look at her. 

Now she sat alone, in a diner where she didn’t know anyone, in a town that she had never heard of with a plate of hash browns that honestly weren’t that good. Tears well up in her eyes as she eats, her thoughts spiraling out of control. Her phone rings again, the stupid ringtone Alyssa had picked out for her contact because she wanted to be special. Taking a deep breath, she finally hits ‘answer.’ “Where the hell are you?” Alyssa doesn’t sound angry, instead her voice is laced with fear. “I looked at the Snap Map to try and find you, but you keep moving.”

“I took a drive to clear my head.”

“You didn’t think to tell anyone that? Betsy’s worried sick, she’s called me in tears three times!”

“I wanted to be alone.”

“You don’t think about anyone but yourself,” there’s a bite in her voice now.

“Yes I do,” Emma’s defensive now.

“Do you? Do you really, Emma? Because lately it’s been all about you. _You_ got into NYU, _you_ have to abandon everyone who’s ever loved you. My life may be planned out and run on a script, but at least it isn’t always fucking about me.”

Emma hears the beep, she knows Alyssa has hung up on her. Choking on a sob, she leaves money on the table and walks back out to her car, so slowly that by the time she gets there she’s soaked again. Betsy doesn’t call again on the rest of her drive home, but as soon as she opens the door to their small house she wraps her in a hug so tight Emma can barely breathe. “Grandma, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to-”

“It’s alright,” she looks sad in a way that Emma can’t explain. It looks like she’s aged ten years since she last saw her, and she can’t help but notice the tear stains still streaking her cheeks. “You should sit down.”

“I was gonna go dry off a little and-”

“I said sit,” her voice is soft, but firm to the point where Emma doesn’t argue.

As she sits on the couch, Betsy sits next to her and takes her hand, rubbing her thumb softly over her knuckles. “Darling, what I’m going to tell you is very upsetting, so much so that I- I-” she lets out a choking sob that forces Emma to look up, watching tears stream down her grandmother’s face. “I don’t know how to tell you this.”

“Grandma,” Emma’s heart begins to race. There are a thousand worst-case scenarios flashing in her mind. She can’t afford to let her stay there anymore, she’s sick, she’s dying. She thought this had to be about her grandmother. “Whatever it is, I can handle it,” her voice is shaking now, lip quivering because she knows that whatver this is will make her cry the way her grandmother is. Nothing prepared her for the five words that came out of her mouth.

“Alyssa was in an accident.”

“What?” Emma’s voice wavers, the room is spinning, it’s too hot and too cold all at once.

“She was driving over the bridge to the edge of the county,” she explains. “It was storming, she lost control of the car and- and-”

Betsy doesn’t have to say anything else, Emma knows. _She was looking for me. She was using the Snap Map to try and find me. No, no, no, no, no-_

“Emma,” Betsy pulls her into a hug. “I’m so sorry.”

“Is she going to be alright?”

Betsy shakes her head, letting out another choking sob. Emma can’t breathe, nothing is working. She has to be okay. She _has to._ How was she supposed to go on without her? How was she supposed to keep living without the girl she loves? The sun didn’t rise without Alyssa, the storms would never pass. Nothing would ever be okay again.

_She was looking for me,_ she thinks to herself again. _This is all of my fault, if I hadn’t been so selfish, if I had just listened to her! If I had just stayed in town instead of leaving. Why did I go on that drive? Why did I do this? How could I do this? Who would be the next casualty of my words?_ She wanted to run to her room and never come out again, that way no one would ever have to talk to her again. No one could be hurt by her ever again. 

“The doctors said she fought, honey,” Betsy whispers. “She fought so hard.”

That was the thing about Alyssa Greene, she was resilient to the point of exhaustion. Emma used to joke that all of the extra effort she put into her work would eventually kill her. She used to tell her that her stress would give her a heart attack. Emma wants to take back every single one of those jokes she ever made, because as resilient as Alyssa Greene was, no one could survive this.

Emma wasn’t sure she could either.

…

“Hey,” Barry says softly two days later as he knocks on Emma’s bedroom door, his usual flamboyant outfit replaced by a plain black suit. “Can I come in?”

He doesn’t get an answer, so he tries to turn the doorknob. Finding that it’s open, he pushes it softly, finding Emma lying on the bed in her suit, staring at the ceiling. “Oh Emma,” he sits next to her, trying to be gentle as he took her hand. “I’m so sorry.”

“It’s my fault you know,” she whispers. “We were fighting. She was looking for me. I’m the reason she’s… she’s…”

As she trails off, Barry feels tears trickle down his face. “It’s not your fault my little lesbian,” he whispers. “It’s no one’s fault. These things happen, and no one can explain them.”

“Why did it have to be her?” she finally lets the tears run down her face. “She was only eighteen! She hadn’t even gotten to leave home yet!”

She’s screaming now, choking on sobs as she thrashes her arms around in spastic movements. Barry wraps her in a hug in an attempt to keep her from hurting herself, and she struggles for only a minute. She sobs on his chest, and he gently strokes her hair while whispering that he’s there. He doesn’t say “it’ll be okay,” like everyone else had, because honestly he knew it wouldn’t be.

An hour later Betsy comes to get them, it’s time to go. They ride in the car in silence, and Emma can barely get out before she’s attacked with hugs by Dee Dee and Angie. Trent isn’t far behind them, putting a protective arm around her as they walk inside the church. Mr. Hawkins even gives her a hug once they’re inside, whispering in her ear that he’s here if she needs anything, anything at all. 

It doesn’t feel real as she walks up to the casket, staring at the girl who would once bring a smile to her face just by being there. Her arms are folded over her chest, a bracelet on her wrist that Emma recognizes as the one she gave her for Christmas just a year and a half earlier. If tries hard enough, she can pretend she’s just asleep, that she had fallen asleep after a long day at school in her bed. Maybe right now they’re alone in her room, and she’s just having a nightmare. They’re alone, it’s just the two of them, everything is okay, Alyssa isn’t gone, and-

“Hey,” her trance is broken when she sees Shelby standing next to her, tears streaming down her face. “Um, I know that you still haven’t completely forgiven us, and you shouldn’t, we were awful, but if you need anything me and Kaylee are here. We were her friends too, and we don’t know how you feel, but I promise we get it somewhat.”

Emma nods, and for the first time ever, reaches her arms out to hug her. Shelby pulls her in, rubbing her back as the two of them cry together. It becomes increasingly real as she cries. The fight was real, the car crash was real, _Alyssa really is gone._

_Alyssa is gone._

The rest of her funeral was a blur. Emma tried to pay attention, but it was hard to keep from wandering into her daydream, the one where Alyssa was still there and not laying in front of her. It isn’t until she hears her own name that she finally makes come back to reality.

Dee Dee squeezes her shoulder in reassurance as she stands, walking towards the podium. Mrs. Greene gives her a small hug as she steps up, and Emma appreciates the gesture. It gives her a little boost of confidence as she adjusts the mic. “Hi,” her voice is wavering a bit as she begins to speak. “Uh, my name’s Emma, I was Alyssa’s girlfriend.”

Taking a deep breath, she looks towards Barry, who gives her a sad smile. “Alyssa meant more to me than any other human being in the world. She lit up my world more than the sun in the sky, guided me better than every star at night, loved me more than anyone I’ve ever known.”

“Losing Alyssa has been like losing a piece of myself. For the last couple of days I’ve been broken inside, like a toy that won’t wind up quite right. I haven’t been able to do anything without thinking about her, it’s almost like she’s still here. Like maybe I’ll wake up tomorrow and this will all be a bad dream.”

“I don’t think I’m ever going to be the same, really. I don’t think I can be. Alyssa was a part of my life for so long that it’s hard to picture it without her. I don’t know if I can. Alyssa Greene, you were everything to me. You were my sun, my moon, and all of my stars. You were my first thought when I woke up in the morning and the last before I fell asleep. Whenever I hear your name I think of fairy lights, driving around during the summer, and whispers to each other during class. I think of peanut brittle exploding and kissing under the mistletoe, of dancing under the lights after fighting for what we believed in.”

“Alyssa, my entire life has revolved around you for so long, and i don’t know how to go on without you. We planned out the rest of our lives with each other, and now there’s nothing to be done. I can’t believe that I have to move on from you. ‘Lys, I would take back every bad thing I ever said our last night. I never got to say goodbye. I want to live forever with you, I want to go back to the beginning of the week and start over, I want to fix everything, I- I-”

She gets choked up then, choking sobs escaping her lips as she began to break down, the room spinning and her feeling like she’s going to throw up. She feels someone touch her shoulder and, seeing Angie with open arms, she goes straight into them. The world is moving in slow motion because this can’t be real, this has to be a nightmare. Emma has to be having some sort of awful fever dream and she’s going to wake up. She’s going to wake up and things are going to be okay. Angie rubs her back, helping her sit back down in her seat as the service comes to an end. 

_It’s over._

_She’s really gone._

“Em, we’re going to get some lunch, do you want to come?” Angie asks softly, pulling her back into reality again.

“I’m not hungry.”

“Emma, you haven’t eaten in two days,” Barry says. “Please, come eat with us.”

She doesn’t say anything, just leans her head on Angie’s shoulder. “Why don’t you guys go on without us?” Angie asks, pulling her fingers through Emma’s curls. “I’ll make sure she gets some food, but I think she just needs some quiet time.”

Emma nods into her shoulder, clinging to her like a small child would their teddy bear. Angie helps her into her car and back to the house, which is all too quiet. “Angie?” she asks, curling up beside her on the couch.

“Yes honey?” she lays a blanket over her, trying to keep her warm as she shivers.

“Do you think, maybe, when everything calms down we can go watch Dee Dee and Barry on Broadway? Mr. Hawkins always said that theater helps him cope when reality gets too extreme. Everything here reminds me too much of Alyssa.”

“Of course darling,” she says softly. “Um, I know it’s a big deal, but if you want to stay with me this summer, maybe to get you used to New York, you can. If you want to escape for a little bit.”

Emma nods against her shoulder. “Are things ever going to feel normal again?”

“I don’t know sweetheart. I don't know if things will ever go back to the normal they were before, but I think you’ll find a new normal, it’ll just be different.”

Emma nods again, before Angie hands her a cracker. “You need to eat,” she coaxes.

She takes the cracker reluctantly and nibbles on it, burying her head in Angie’s shoulder. “Can we watch _Lilo and Stitch_?”

“Yes we can,” she ruffles her hair, pulling the movie up on Netflix.

The two seem preoccupied by the movie for a little, until Emma falls asleep after a few more crackers. She dreams of Alyssa, the way she smiles and the way she laughs. In her dream the fight never happened, they never strayed away from the perfect script Alyssa had made. The girls are happy and their futures have endless possibilities. There are graduations to attend and a wedding and kids’ birthday parties.

In the dream everything is okay.

_But eventually she had to wake up, and the nightmare of reality was not._


End file.
